Today was...... Well, Today.

Ever have one of those days when people ask you how your day has been and all you can come up with is stuff like: "I breathe, or It goes, or I'm here"? Well that was my today.

Sometimes your story is simple. Today I woke up early, missed work to hang out in a surgery waiting room, starving (because I chose to not eat after midnight with the hubbs), while watching old episodes of Ally McBeal on HULU my new obsession btw.   Oh and I almost forgot! I got approached by two perfectly coiffed chicks offering discounts at their salon that is located directly around the corner from my home! I'm hoping they didn't know this and it was purely coincidence. I'm also hoping I didn't look so bad that I was the only one offered a discount. I'm also hoping they don't hang around waiting rooms allover the city doing this...it's weird to me.

I Loved this show! Thanks HULU for making it available to me again

Bean's school nurse called.....Bean is carrying on like she is dying.....I later learn it's cramps...the slow death most women will suffer from. Munch is in a great place! (I can never seem to get both of the spawns in a a good place at the same time...I digress) and I have to poo.  I will also be suffering a small colliding of universes with my mother in law......sigh.

So I found a pic of my fave 90's lawyer on the shitter....could pass this up and besides I have to poo :)

the spawns allowed me to serve a less than desirable dinner with no complaints and soon I will be heading back to the hospital to spend the night and go to work at 6am. I'm missing my favorite local Poet do a feature tonight at my favorite Poetry Dive. sigh.  Today's blog is slightly depressing... but isn't this a part of life too? Sigh.

for shits and giggles really.... haha another poo pun I'm delirious and taking it to far...Whatever.

I'm sighing alot and beginning to think i have asthma...... Hey Lola! How was your day?  

Today was........Well, it was Today.

Boops and other things we cant avoid.

So, I've got daughters and they are growing, faster than I care for but I dont imagine anyone I know has mother natures number sooooooooooo we are dealing. That being said, we have found a somewhat awkward coping mechanism for the emergence of......Wait for it....... Boops.  I think normal people call em breast, tits, boobs, tatas, you get the picture. But in my quirky little universe we call em Boops.


First lets start with a brief history of why we call em Boops. For reasons I couldn't begin to explain we (the spawns, Nana, and I) used to watch Jon&Kate +8 kinda religiously. And on one episode number 5, or 6, or 4 Idunno which one but it was a little girl asked Jon why little girls have little Boops. Jon refers her to her mom (classic Dad move, I couldn't even get mad at this)because we can be relatively corny the word Boops tickled the lot of us (when I typed that last phrase my voice had a Brittish accent in my head --that was random, back to the subject). Kate explained to her little girls have little boops, and big girls have big boops. Nuff said right? Wrong. My kids launched into a big thing about how they didnt want boops and would resist the process as a whole.

I'm almost positive now, this book was NOT a good influence. I almost made my daughter read it.

Now ever since I was a little Lola I wanted a rack. And was pretty excited when it showed up. But these chicks are running in the opposite direction. Like Peter Pan style... they dont wanna grow up at all. All that girly shit I refuse to dive into on my blog that you can imagine, they are against it. I, like Margaret from the coveted coming of age novel "Are You There God it's Me Margaret" by Judy Blume wanted a rack to show the world I was a little woman! I wonder if that weighs in on why I was knocked up by age sixteen?   Fuggit that's another post on another day. The Bean keeps her boops smashed down with a sports bra, and  Munch refuses to acknowledge their existence.

Seriously these chicks are smiling about this?!?!?!?!  No wonder the spawns run and hide I'm getting nervous

My inner mom tottaly thinks this shit is stoopid hilarious! Ariel refers to the emergence of boops by reffering to them as gaining weight--- HA! and Bean runs into a corner and covers her ears the moment she realizes the topic has been brought up.  Why isnt my life like those weird ass commercials from the eighties where the mom and daughter discuss weird ass shit like femeinine hygeine and then smile at the camera and laugh. Oh I know why..... THAT SHIT DONT HAPPEN. (<---- I realize this is bad grammar. I'm blogging not writing a thesis, and I'm nervous even now discussing this topic I think the spawns are rubbing off on me)

At least THIS isnt my issue. 

I only have questions today readers like:
1. Do I want them to embrace their boops?
2. Is it normal for them to hate tem?
3. Do little boys notice boops in the 4th graade? (I shutter at this thought)
4.Will I miss these days when their hormones take off full throttle and they dig their boops?

I'm afraid now..........holy crap......Someone get the batteries off the charger, we are gonna play the Wii and forget I ever wrote this shit. I'm  freaking my damn self out.  

Teenager +Teen Mom+Literary Classics= Disaster

Oh God Help...... This has been my prayer for the entire school year. Now that I am in 7th grade English AGAIN, I find myself reading the same books AGAIN and they are more frustrating than ever. Why you ask? I'll tell ya.  I hated these books then, and I hate them now. For totally different reasons tho. Now my friends we shall explore the wide world of unorthodox parenting and Advanced English.

So it all started with Tom Sawyer........a classic, yes I know, with great themes and the all too familiar coming of age yadda, yadda yawn. This book was boring to me when I was thirteen and it was ridonculously boring to Bean. She simply cant relate, maybe because she's not an adolescent boy, maybe because its not 1840, maybe she just doesn't want to. but the bottom line here folks is simple she doesn't dig it and does not have the gumption to try.... we get the homework done, we read the book, her test scores kinda show it and I feel like a failure. Whatever, next book.

TRIUMPH! I don't even know what the next book was! She liked it soo much she managed to get through it with none of my help and did pretty stinkin alright! great grades, great test score, and i still kinda feel like a failure.....See what has happened here is simple. I'm not even sure if I asked what book they were reading, I wanted the much needed break from Jr. High Literature and I seized the day! Carpe Diem! (she also takes Latin and consequently I take Latin sadly enough I have only retained Carpe  Diem--I digress). So much for winning though I didn't involve myself in the process and according to Parenting magazine in some issue I didn't read, this is a FAIL. Whatever Next Book




Animal Farm- Holy shit! I actually liked this book in school, but here's the problem The Beaner does not. It's story lines are too fictional for her (she simply cant get into talking animals outside of Stuart Little), and the plot is too politically driven (scratch senator off of the list of things she might be when she grows up). So the scenario simply put, is this: Mom thinks its an awesome book, Bean thinks its confusing cue up the natural disaster.

I have tried several approaches to get her to understand the book with the exceptional help of Nana (my mommy- insert smiling face everyone loves a Nana right?

Me the chickies and NANA!!!!

We had her read the damned book (see how quickly I've begin cursing?) no dice- she knows what happened but she cant apply it. We read the fuggin chapter to her no dice- she wasn't listening for answers to the worksheet. We had her read spark notes -(is that cheating? not sure. I'll ask an English teacher who isn't HER teacher) no dice- she just isn't getting it.  I told her the answer- She states that is NOT the answer -----Everyone clear the room this Teen Mom is about to blow!


Even Nana saw this hurricane a comin'. I could tell by the look on her face from the living room. After several minutes of extremely non productive banter about applying yourself, not doodling while I read YOUR damned required reading to you instead of doing something I would have like to do, Bean cuing up the water works and me completely unsympathetic to these tears, I said to hell with it and walked out of the room.  Seething in the room with my husband who was, kickin it with sandman already I hear Nana trying to explain to my eldest spawn why I have lost all my cool. But was that enough to calm me down? NOPE.  I storm back into the living room and unleashed the fury.

This was probably how it looked....oh well

"You know what?" this is how all mad black moms begin a good giving of the What for.
"I read Animal farm in the the seventh grade. And You know What? (Never wait for an answer it slows down your delivery thus lightening the heaviness of your message) "I got an A, I understood it, I answered the questions, I passed the tests, without the extensive amount of help you require. Do you know Why? (still don't wait for an answer) Because I had gumption, what I didn't understand, I looked up. And I had the powers of reading comprehension and inferring, I was able to take what I read and apply it enough to answer questions and pass tests.  I am thoroughly sick of arguing with you ANEESAH about how this should be done, If you knew how to do it, it would have been done! I cant deal with you, and I am finished!"
Now I storm out of the room and I hear Nana calming her down (I believe she may have a little touch of anxiety). They get through the homework, we all go to bed. And I wake up still kinda feeling like a failure. Whatever.

This all boils down to a few good and bad points:
1. I guess I may have been a wee bit harsh, but eff that the world is cold, I've gotta get these chicks ready for the weather
2. I realized that I kinda think my kid is dumb (not completely, English which happened to be my fave subject, just isn't her thing. She rocks in all her other subjects) Guilty truth:  I'm pretty sure I was more quick witted than her too :(
3. Animal Farm really is a good book, I reeeeaaaaallllyy want her to see that.
4. Bean is a wicked hard worker and any teacher worth their weight in classic novels will tell you, a hardworking student earns more teacher respect than that smart asshole in the back who seems to pick up on everything effortlessly and then proceeds to distract the hardworking students --Truth: I was the asshole.
5. I don't think she is dumb-- It just felt good to get it out there. and it make me giggle that i actually typed something that fugged up.
6. I'm not a failure, and I know that. I'm a teen, unorthodox, adapting to the teenage years about as gracefully as a two year old performing swan lake. The Beaner will be fine.


So, I released it. I feel better already. Hope you enjoyed. I'm excited. Next Book: SHAKESPEARE'S A MIDSUMMER NIGHTS DREAM!!! My Favorite Shakespeare play.

Maybe We'll watch the movie, I love that Ally McBeal!

Pray for Us

How cute is this kid? 

By the way, we hugged in the morning and moved on. She thinks I'm crazy but she loves me and she knows I love her. We played the Wii (see my adoration for that  machine in my previous blog), and we move on.  I dont think its dysfunctional, it's just us :)

Easter Weekend an ode to the Nintendo Wii

Sooo, Its been a few minutes since I posted,  But, Easter at my house can be a pretty big deal. There are dresses and new shoes to buy, hair to curl, speeches to learn, candy to eat, dinner to cook.... yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not sure why we go through all the pageantry, but we do.

The Spirit of Easter or at least the cute hats to go with it is alive and well

The kids were off school Friday (but I wasn't free from work), so I had to pull together a super fun family time activity, while still managing to hang with my mom and husband. I resorted to the Wii ( God bless the creators of that thing, it gets me through every time) Nothing like kicking off Easter Weekend with dancing to the Michael Jackson Experience!!!!!! I think we ate pizza.... side note: we eat pizza way more than I should admit to.... I'm a young mom what do you want from me.  Next up tackling the first head of hair.........

Two finely groomed chickadees......... one tired mom 

Bean is the pickiest kid on planet Earth, of this I am sure. After washing, conditioning, blow drying, she still doesn't know how she wants it to look.  So I do what irritated moms do. I style it and spend the next hour convincing her its cute and trendy. Once she realizes I'm not BS-ing her- She's cool, I'm pooped, and the old man is ready to watch transformers (another something we do more than I should admit to).
Saturday morning its 7:30 am and I'm up!!!!!! Why???? Because I still make my 10 year old go to bed early and therefore she rises at the Crack!!!! One of my two days off is not starting as planned.... Pancakes showers and wait for it.........The Wii - This is the greatest invention ever!!!!! we dance, it doubles as a workout for me and the kids are satisfied with mom time! added bonus- My mom loves to watch us attempt fairly difficult choreographed routines in the living room. After several routines, sweaty me plus the chickies and some juice...... It's time for the volleyball game! Yup we play volleyball in a local church league AND we are in first place! Funny thing is our team rages in age from 53 to 10. It's really quite hilarious. The husband got some great giggles out of seeing that game. Saturday night????  You guessed it the Wii! Did I mention I LOVE the inventors of that thing?

Goodtimes

So, I've officially decided that I'm rambling about the goodness of the Wii way too much, so I'll wrap this up.  Basically folks I had a pretty super awesome weekend with the family, doing what the books say is not a great thing: Eating Bad food tons of Easter Candy and playing video games!

Our Favorite song to boogie to

Well blog readers that was my weekend
Teen Mom moment:  Hell I simply dont have one
Mom Moment:  This parenting/family thing is pretty damned all right!  

Their Other Mom.... The Photographer

Thanks to great friends who stick around my kids have a second Mom. Nope I'm not gay..... my children have stolen my best friend.  I actually find this slightly annoying.   I love my kids, I love my best friend but somewhere in my mind I always imagined that the two would be somewhat separate. But... Nope. They have taken over. I occasionally get envious because I'm positive my oldest daughter thinks she's cooler than me. NO ONE should be cooler than me, right?

So here's the deal I've come up with several reasons they might dig my best homie more than me, I don't know why I've made this list but here it is:


1. Both Aneesah and Nicole are Leos. maybe this astrological connection helps them to relate to eachother, their moods, and retarded habits, idiosyncrasies, and shit are alike. I dunno. But I have decided this could be a major factor in all this.

These two chicks....way too close. 

2. She isn't big on discipline. She is the super fun aunt sorta mom type figure who even when she's fussing it just doesn't sound like it to me type chick.  I however, shall biteth off the head of an offensive teen/tween at a moments notice. Someone's gotta scare the shit outta these kids or else you end up on Maury Povich with that Loud screaming dude with the sweater vest right?

This guy always made me laugh... Bad kids watch out He's gonna yell at you!

3. She actually listens to the random shit they talk about. DISCLAIMER: I listen too but after it starts sounding like random babbling about TV and made up scenarios ... I'M OUT. I tune it out and check in occasionally for words that ring important..Don't all moms do this? Nicole has somehow managed to make them think she's listening, even if she isn't listening. Its a mystery really. I'll have to ask her if she listens..

4. She's a photographer, a really good one. I imagine compared to a mom who works at a funeral home (saving that topic for another blog) this would be much more exciting. She takes pictures of them, and they dig it. She even lets them take pics  when they are doing weird sister-y type things. She reminds them that they are super cute model status worthy of a photo girls. I tell them they are a pretty but a photographer? That's the real compliment ....... Whatever lol.

Tell me this kid doesn't feel like a model

Cool lookin pic right? Bean thought so.

See... No photographer would let them behave this way, It's cute though

5. They just love her. At some point I was gonna have to be realistic about all this. Number 5 will be dedicated to that. Nicole has been my friend since before they were born, outside of my mom and brother, cousins (you get the picture, people we don't see everyday) She has been one of few Constants in their life.  I'm a single mom, so their dad isn't with us, and I've been married twice- remove the first step dad now. So Nicole's presence is more predictable than most things.  Is she awesome well sure she's my best friend, and all my awesomeness can only be accompanied by awesomeness.

BUT, here's the deal: My kids take EVERYTHING!! From cream sodas, chips and candy, socks, scarves, earrings and my friends. This shit must stop! I don't go around being super cool chummy mom with their friends. They interrupt girls nights with phone calls .... to ask HER shit, and wine doesn't taste as good when you cant properly gossip and talk about shit they shouldn't hear if they keep coming in the kitchen. BTW they only find her cool separately, because when we are together, a few glasses of wine in....... Our music is dated and the stories we can share? they scoff at.


So there! Super cool more fun than my own mom Nicole! you are only cooler than me sometimes......

Me and The Best friend Nicole

Teen Mom Moment: Leave my friend alone She is mine and I'm your mom Appreciate Me!
Mom Moment: Get ready best bud, when that Mack Truck Hits Me..... You are ON DECK!!!!!


~l. rouge

You're no THAT fat mommy......sigh

Yup. She did it. She said it as I was getting dressed to go perform poetry, on my now fourth attempt at looking like I accidentally look this cool.... "You're not THAT fat mommy." After what I am sure were death rays caused her to wince a bit, She went on to say... You are not fat at all, kinda thick, just not skinny....blah, blah, blah........its too late young spawn.....you have destroyed today's ration of self esteem.

This lovely remark was provided to me via my extremely thin, built like her dad, hazel eyed, long sandy brown hair, thin, long legged tiny waisted, did I mention thin, spawn o mine. I sound like I might be a tad jealous of the wonderful configuration of her 46 chromosomes. I AM. There I said it.  There are other mothers who at some point have felt the same. If not, eff it.  Its how I feel today. So there.

Tiny bundle of compliments

Me a fat baby...cute but fat

You know, When I was pregnant with my little bundle of compliments, there was nothing I hoped for more than she be thee most beautiful little baby in the world. Having been a fat baby, toddler, child, adolescent, teen, and adult (apparently), I wanted a thin childhood for her. So that running fast and not being picked last would not be her fate. And God apparently saw fit to honor this wish. I now wonder if it is a blessing or a curse.





My little sassy pants on more than one occasion has let me know that she totally thinks I'm cute. (I  need her approval, right?). And that while I am not thin, my version of fat is acceptable to her. She compares me to other moms who are bigger than me, but still acceptable because moms just get bigger right? Her perception is clearly skewed. Is it my fault? Whatever......she's just vain and somehow decided she can weigh in on beauty and size in her world of moms.  Uuuugggghhh.

What else would she be but, a cheerleader.... I encouraged this

I (for reasons I cant explain) actually went into conversation with the young spawn about how I was actually a smaller me after I birthed her sister and her. (<-----that's gotta be bad grammar, sounds bad, reads bad. I digress). I showed her pics of my super cool and relatively slim self and showed her pics of other moms who didn't get fat. Then I realize that this conversation is no good......for me.  Now I am forced to realize, i only got this way by eating my feelings.....somebody call Dr. Phil, this teen, single married twice mom has got issues.

Dammit! Kids aren't supposed to help you realize you are a cluster of tom foolery! Shit! I've been working out and doing Yoga booty ballet (Don't judge me, it was a very interesting infomercial) and all other random types of BeachBody workouts, I've even graced a Zumba instructor or two with my presence. But now thanks to super cute thin young spawn, i realize it isn't the workouts.....I eat my feelings.  Thanks Kiddo..... another something to add to the list of stuff I'm still working on.

Me.......Not that Fat...

Lesson for the day: Oh eff it, there isn't one.... someone call my husband and tell him to bring me a Red Bull and Funyuns.  I'm working out this evening.


Teen mom moment:  Kids are annoying, I dont need them making me aware of my issues and flaws.
Mom Moment: i love that little chickadee, her ability to be brutally honest while remaining cute is enviable, and her ability to eat bacon and candy in large amount while still remaining thin inspires me.

Welp, another something off my chest peeps.
~L. rouge

Hippie, Bohemian, Neo-Soul Mom

Soooooo...... I am a Poet. There I said it.  What does that mean really? Depends on who you are are and shit. Mostly it means I'm fairly good with words, and I can make them rhyme, and it usually adds up to a great story type message or something.  I loathe the stereotype that comes with it though. My friends who happen to be poets don't sit around trying to out profound each other or signify everything the other says with a "That's Deep" every few minutes.  Sorry.  I know in your mind it was a cool image, but it just isn't what happens.... We don't dress in all black with berets on like beatniks and shit....we look rather normal actually.

Nope this isnt us......

This IS Us.... See pretty normal looking

What does any of this have to do with you being a mother Lola?  Hold on it will all come together. My new taking up in all things bohemian and poet like has caused a new slot in our relatively scheduled lives.  Now on Tuesdays and Wednesdays which was formerly our slot for mind numbing TV watching and the occasional dance off on The Wii are now the nights when after dinner as I apply my makeup and perfectly planned unplanned random outfit together the kids say something witty to like Oh yeah its Poetry Night see you in a few snaps. They're corny really.

      

             See. Cute but Corny

They often complain that they wanna come and why would I perform poetry somewhere they cant come?, and Why don't I perform somewhere they only serve tea? (because they saw it on TV). Now here comes the part where I guess I might stage a performance where they get to see me perform at home and I would serve tea and dress up and make them feel apart of what I am and What I do. NOPE.


I don't want to. Does this make me a bad mom?   Maybe.  This Poetry thing I do ......ITS MINE. I share everything with their asses. I bought myself a friggin cream soda yesterday and a shit ton of juice for them. What do they want to drink??? Cream Soda....Mine the only one in the house.  I spend 99cents on myself and cant even have that. I realize that this is the price for being someones mom, but I refuse to share this with them. Not yet at least. And furthermore....... Half of that shit is inappropriate for them anyway. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't write erotic poetry, but they wouldn't get it......maybe I should write a poem they would understand, that's the cool good mom thing to do right? NOPE I don't want to. 

                        Me doing my poetry thang......Kidless






Honestly, I only feel a little bad about this. I think every mom should have a part of the universe that is kid free. And lets just be honest. It isn't the places you thought it would be, like the bedroom, bathroom (nope I still cant pee, poop or shower without an interruption from my 12 and 10 year old daughters), or even work (my kids call and email me at work incessantly). So my space is a dark little dive in the eccentric part of town where I perform poetry under a name other than Mommy


Teen mom moment: Why wont they just leave me alone?????? I want to be someone else for 2 hours twice a week don't they get that??????
Mom moment: I actually do think its pretty awesome that they are interested in what I'm doing, and I'm sure at some point we will share in all things, Wordy, Bohemian, Neo-Soul, and Hippie..... I'm flattered that they think I'm a relatively cool mom. At least 
Munch does :)




~L. rouge